


Secrets Told

by paperscribe



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4096225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperscribe/pseuds/paperscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I lied to you," Lewis said at the moment James opened the door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I lied to you," Lewis said at the moment James opened the door.

James blinked. "Sorry?"

"I lied," Lewis said, shifting his weight and looking absolutely wretched. "And I'm sorry."

James had no idea what Lewis was talking about. "Do you want to come in?"

Only then did Lewis realise he was still in the hallway. "Oh. Right. I can, if you're sure…"

"I'm sure," James interrupted firmly. "Come in."

Lewis did, standing by the back of James's couch.

"Sit down," James offered.

"Best not," Lewis said, "in case you want me to leave."

This was all completely baffling. "Robbie, honestly, I have no idea what you're on about."

Lewis stared at his hands. "I know. That's the problem."

James waited. He didn't want to derail the conversation, such as it was, by raising a topic different than the one Lewis had in mind--and Lewis clearly did have some specific topic in mind. So James waited.

"It isn't just you I've lied to," Lewis said. "It's everyone."

James frowned. "Everyone?"

"My whole life," Lewis said. He hesitated. "You see, I read this book."

This was Lewis's shocking secret? He'd read a book? James curbed his natural response, which was to say something wry and sarcastic, and remained silent.

"And he had a secret too, the man in the book. Well. It wasn't as much of a secret as he thought it was. But he thought…" Lewis's mouth wobbled. "And he destroyed himself, his whole life, his whole self, because he wouldn't tell the truth. And when I read it…" Lewis shook his head, clearly overwhelmed.

"Whatever it is, I promise you can tell me," James said.

"Well," Lewis said. "The thing is…I like men."

"Do you?" 

Lewis managed a shaky nod. "All my life." Then, quickly, "Women too. I loved Val…she wasn't just for show…"

"Anyone who's known you knows how much you love Val," James said.

Lewis looked slightly reassured by that thought. "But…yeah. That's my secret."

James nodded. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because I don't know what you'll do," Lewis said, his eyes filling suddenly.

"If it's all right with you," James said, "I'd like to give you a hug."

Lewis's breath hitched, and he nodded, so James stepped forward and pulled Lewis close, giving him a warm, firm hug. After a moment, Lewis hid his face against James's shoulder, body still taut with nerves.

"I hope you know this doesn't change a thing between us," James said.

Lewis relaxed so suddenly in James's embrace that for a moment James thought Lewis might've fainted. He hadn't, but he did seem to need James's help staying on his feet.

"Sorry," Lewis said faintly.

"You're all right," James said, helping him stay upright. "Come on. Let's sit." That might be easier.

They sat side by side on the sofa. Lewis kept his eyes lowered; James could tell he was still nervous, still worried.

"I'm sorry," Lewis said.

James nodded. "I know. If it matters, I don't think you have anything to apologise for."

"I do," Lewis said. "I kept this whole piece of myself hidden away. That's lying by omission."

James knew all about lying by omission. "I take it you've never had a boyfriend, then?"

Lewis laughed even as his eyes filled. "Oh, James. I'm not 'boyfriend' material. It wouldn't be fair to the other person."

James suspected he'd better not express any sort of opinion about Lewis's prospects as someone's partner; they would almost certainly go down the wrong way no matter what he said. "That book you read really bothered you."

Lewis nodded. "I used to think the worst thing was if someone knew. But then I thought, what if the worst thing is that no one ever knows?" He gave James an anxious look. "You won't tell?"

"It's not my news to share," James said. "And you know how tight-lipped I can be when the situation demands it."

Lewis nearly laughed. "Thanks." He sighed. "Well. That's what I've been worried about all day. Have you got any deep, dark secrets you'd like to mention?"

"Not lately," James said wryly. "But I'll follow your lead as far as the conversation goes."

Lewis nodded. "I was hoping I hadn't failed you. By not telling you before."

"Of course you haven't failed me."

Lewis leaned against James, and James suspected the touch comforted them both. After a friendly silence, James said, "If you don't mind my asking, why did you choose to tell me?"

"You know what it's like to keep secrets," Lewis said quietly.

James felt a deep, pervasive sympathy for his friend, who had hidden so much for so long. It was a desperate thing, keeping secrets.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to sit here a while," Lewis said.

"I think I can manage that," James said lightly.

When, after a period of silence, Lewis fell asleep with his head against James's shoulder, James didn't have the heart to wake him.


	2. Chapter 2

Robbie woke to find himself not in his bedroom, and he shut his eyes tightly, trying to quell the overwhelming feeling of panic he felt at that revelation. During the two or three years after Val's death, years Robbie catalogued mentally as "the bad years," it hadn't been an entirely unknown occurrence for him to wake up without knowing where he was.

_What did I do? How much did I have to drink? I don't remember doing anything embarrassing. Did I black out? I thought I was done with that. God, what about James? Was he there? Did he see?_

Robbie opened his eyes gingerly. Wait--he did know this place. This was James's flat. And he'd come here last night, to tell him…right. He remembered. There were no gaps in his memory after all, no unknowns that needed filling in. Robbie exhaled slowly, trying to expel the leftover fear from his body.

He'd just tidied up the sofa where he'd been sleeping when James emerged from the bedroom.

"I thought I heard you rustling around," James said with a grin.

Robbie handed James his pillow. "Thank you for this."

"You were exhausted," James said. "Probably from worrying all day about whether I would disown you."

Robbie winced inwardly. He didn't always like it when James was able, by guess or by observation, to know what was going on in his mind. He knew James was a bloody good detective, but he didn't exactly want to be detected.

"Sorry," James said. "What a stupid thing to say." He patted Robbie's shoulder once, hesitantly, in apology.

"Not stupid," Robbie said. "A bit too clever, if anything."

James nodded. "Sometimes my sarcasm doesn't have its desired effect. If it happens again, just scowl at me till I stop."

"How will you know if it's a general scowl or one directed specifically at you?" Robbie asked.

James laughed. "Just glare at me till I understand."

"Right." Robbie stood there, looking at the couch, not sure what to do next. "Well, thanks for everything."

"Of course," James said.

No. Not 'of course'. James's willingness to listen and to put Robbie up when he needed it meant much more to Robbie than 'of course.' He'd known enough people to know that care and compassion were not always assumptions that could be safely made.

Before he could think better of it, Robbie crossed to James, hugging him tightly and patting his back once or twice before letting him go.

"Thank you," James said, surprised.

"Sorry. I just…I wanted…" Robbie shook his head. "Never mind." He'd cocked it all up, hadn't he?

"It's fine," James said reassuringly. "If you want breakfast, I could…"

"No," Robbie interrupted. "Thank you, but I've taken enough of your time." He backed toward the door. "I'll see you soon, yeah?"

James nodded. "You will."

"Thanks again," Robbie said. "For all of it."

He hurried out of James's flat before he could say or do anything else stupid.

It had been easier to tell James than Robbie had thought it would be, especially with James as quiet as he had been. The quiet had given Robbie the chance to think and to get to grips with what he wanted to say.

He didn't know yet if telling James would prove to be a mistake, if James had been telling the truth when he'd said Robbie's confession hadn't changed anything.

Robbie guessed he would find out.


	3. Chapter 3

James was no fool. He knew Lewis would probably still be feeling insecure about his confession the week prior, and that the status quo wouldn't be just the status quo. Lewis would be looking for any sign that James was pulling away from him, James suspected, and he had already decided he wasn't going to give Lewis the opportunity to assume things were going wrong between them.

"So," James said to Lewis at work, "I've just bought _The Empire Strikes Back_ \--the version with the original theatrical cut included."

Lewis smiled slightly. "Han shoots first, that sort of thing?"

"Exactly! I was planning to sit down and watch it Friday night. Are you interested?"

"It's been ages since I've seen it," Lewis said. "You're sure you want me?"

"Of course," James said. "I'll make the popcorn."

"Only if I can bring the drinks," Lewis said.

James grinned. "It's a deal."


	4. Chapter 4

Robbie was beginning to remember why he hadn't seen this movie in thirty years.

"Something the matter?" James asked.

Robbie blushed. Of course James would notice. "Well…I…it's just that…I might possibly…erm…"

"Oh, I see," James said. "Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, or Mark Hamill?"

Robbie's mouth fell open. "James!"

"Am I wrong?" James asked, eyebrows raised.

"No," Robbie said. "It feels strange to talk about it so casually."

"Oh." James sounded chagrined. "My fault. I'll know better next time."

"I said strange. I didn't say bad," Robbie said. "I'm just going to need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to hide from you." He took a deep breath. "And it's Mark Hamill."

"Really," James said, looking interested. "Not Harrison Ford?"

"Han Solo's bloody annoying," Robbie joked. "He'd never let you help him or look after him. Luke probably wouldn't either, but I think you'd have a better chance with him." This was getting too personal. Robbie cleared his throat. "Besides, I like Mark Hamill's hair."

James's lips twitched in a smile. "He does have good hair."

Robbie glanced at James. "Do you? Fancy…?"

"Carrie Fisher," James said.

Robbie had never been able to pin down James's sexuality, and suspected James liked it that way. He'd only ever known James to go out with women, and even knowing that much had taken some intensive detective work (although evidently not for Laura, who must've been better-placed to hear the latest scuttlebutt than Robbie was--or more observant than Robbie was).

At least James didn't seem to feel awkward about Robbie liking blokes. Robbie had worried about that too--that James would always be uncomfortable with Robbie in case Robbie developed feelings for him. But that hadn't happened, and it was a relief for Robbie to be able to say some of the things he had been thinking for years.

"We'd be in-laws," James said.

Robbie frowned at him. "What?"

"If you were with Luke and I were with Leia, we'd be in-laws."

"I don't think their family tree needs to be any more complicated, thanks."

James snickered. "No, you're right."

Robbie gave James a quick grin, then turned his attention back to the telly. He'd been afraid tonight would be awkward, but instead it was just…nice.

Very nice.


End file.
